We all grew up with the fairytales.
Different names and characters, but the storyline was always the same. There was a damsel – of course a beautiful princess. This damsel was a helpless victim of her situation, and her only hope of a happy fulfilling life was to marry a handsome prince. She would suffer a few trials, but was eventually saved, by her prince, whom she married immediately and without a background check.
They always lived happily ever after.
As little girls, we ate these stories up; but as educated women, you and I both know that they’re a load of horse shit. Marriage is wonderful, but it’s real. There is no happily ever after, just a new set of trials.
At some level, you know this, and you’re wondering whether this new set of trials is worth trading in the set you currently have.
Let me help shed some light on some of the unconscious reservations you might be harboring around marriage, and help you start to turn some of these around. Don’t let your definitions of marriage be what’s holding you back from the life partner you desire. Curse you, fairytales!
“Marriage means losing my freedom.”
It’s impossible to lose your freedom because you are inherently free.
Marriage is a contract – a contract you get to define any way you want to. Inside of it, you make conscious agreements with your partner about what you both want for your life together. You are both free to change the terms of the agreement any time you want.
Funny enough, it was in admitting to myself that I wanted to get married that I freed myself to be me. There’s so much freedom in telling yourself the truth.
What do you want? Do you want to get married? Why or why not. Look at what you’re telling yourself about marriage.
“Marriage is an unnatural institution of the patriarch that I will not buy into.”
It’s true, marriage has evolved through the decades and if you go far enough back, it was a political tool used by men, and often a woman’s only hope for safety and security. Thankfully it’s not that way anymore, and people are now free to marry (or not marry) for love.
The truth is, you don’t have to get married. Many people choose to live as life partners and never do the legal piece. That’s always available to you if it’s what you and your partner want.
I chose to get married because I realized there were benefits to me in making it legal. There are certain legal rights that are afforded to me by the Government that I wanted to have. So, I chose to forgive the bit about the dark past, in favor of today’s modern marriage rights. Joke’s on you, patriarch!
“The fun ends with the honeymoon.”
I’d reframe this one as, “The real fun starts after the honeymoon.”
What ends with the honeymoon is all the fake stuff – who you were hoping they’d think you are, and who you imagined them to be. What you’re left with a real human being in front of you. This, to me, is the best part.
My husband Drew and I have been married 3 years now, and I fall more in love with him every day. Not because we’re some rare exception; because I choose to focus on the things I love about him. The infatuation peaked with the honeymoon, but the real love started the day we landed in a place we together called home, and started out on a life as a married couple.
In fact, just the other day I met up with Drew on one of his layovers in Orlando (he flies for American Airlines). After 20 minutes or so, a flight attendant sitting at the bar next to us asked, “Did you two just meet?” We laughed and explained our situation. She replied, “Oh wow, so the spark doesn’t always end with marriage.”
Your relationship is what you make it. Instead of choosing surface-level relationships with multiple people, I chose to dive deeply into one person. And hey, if you and your partner want, you can always agree to an open relationship. You get to define marriage however you want.
Define marriage in a way that moves you towards what you want.
I used to define marriage as a contract by which I handed over my freedom in service to a man, and traded in my identity “I”, an independent woman, for the identity “us”, a married couple. Harsh. This definition led me to resist marriage for many years.
Just like the fairytales, I realized that this definition of marriage was garbage because it wasn’t serving me. I decided to come up with my own.
I now choose to see marriage as the union of two people who have found it more joyful to be together than apart and whose intentions are to evolve together in love.
So much better.
I’d love to help you work through your own definitions, to remove the blocks that are standing between you and the deeply fulfilling relationship that you desire. Check out my work with me page to see how we can work together.