According to eHarmony, 40% of Americans use online dating and 20% of current, committed relationships began online. There’s no disputing that online dating is a part of today’s dating culture, and a proven way to find a partner – but time and time again I hear brilliant, successful women sharing stories of how hard it is.
Is online dating really that hard?
Here are the 3 most common complaints I hear about online dating, and how you can turn each one of them around to help you get another step closer to finding your life partner.
1. Men are only looking for a hookup
One of the number one frustrations I hear from women is that most of the men they encounter online are only looking for sex, and not a meaningful match. As a woman who’s looking to find her life partner, and not a casual hookup, a barrage of sex-hungry oafs can make the online dating scene look more like a horror movie instead of a rom-com.
You’re right… and wrong.
Your brain is designed to scan for danger and alert you to it. If you’ve decided that men are only looking for a hookup, it’s going to scan them up and down looking for signs of only wanting a hookup.
Whether your assessment of their intentions is correct or incorrect, I want you to use these men to help you get unapologetically clear about what you want, and learn to communicate it just as clearly.
Consider Tom.
Say you’re chatting back and forth with Tom – it’s great conversation; he seems genuinely interested in you. Then he suggests that you meetup at his place.
DANGER – DANGER! starts flashing through your mind. Your brain reflects back on the last uncomfortable encounter that ended up at a date’s place, with your date pressuring you to get physical before you were ready.
Before you make Tom’s suggestion to meetup at his place mean that he’s only looking for a hookup, ask yourself an important question:
What do I want in this situation?
Maybe you want a conversation in a public setting. Maybe you’re comfortable going to his place, but you don’t want him to suggest anything physical. Maybe you do want a hookup. There’s no right or wrong answer, just what you want. You get to decide what you want. Always.
Communicate what you want.
Once you know what you want, communicate it. Clearly. Say, “I’d love to meet up at your place, but I’m not looking to be physical with you.” Don’t apologize. If you’re not sure what his intentions are, ask him to clarify. Ask, “Why do you suggest meeting up at your place?” You might just find out that he’s a great cook and just wanted to make you your favorite meal.
If he’s truly only looking for a hookup, he’ll likely move on to the next person. Problem solved. This brings us to the second common complaint I hear about online dating.
2. Men are always wondering if there’s someone better out there
Online dating has made it easy to connect with a lot of people – which makes it easy to meet someone, and just as easy to move on. With so many so readily available, women find that men are looking past them not at them, wondering if they can find someone “better”.
Look in the mirror.
I’m going to turn this one back on you. Are you always wondering if there’s someone better out there? How are you showing up that might suggest he should move on to the next person? Are you doubting yourself? Are you doubting him?
Whenever you get fixated on someone else’s behavior, it’s a call to look inside yourself and up-level in some way.
Consider a first date.
Say you show up for a first date wondering whether he’s questioning if there’s someone better than you. Can you see what you’re doing? You’re questioning if there’s someone better than you! You’ve already made it a possibility in your mind that there could be someone better than you – by thinking about it.
Decide that you’re the best thing he’ll ever find (you are!). Don’t even let it be possible in your mind that he could find someone better than you. Believe that you’re the best. Show up believing that. If he doesn’t agree, he’s not your person. Your person knows you’re the best thing that he’s ever found.
This brings us to the third most common complaint I hear about online dating.
3. The sample size is too big – it’s too hard to sort through them all
Based on the sites, apps, algorithms, and number of men who choose to make online profiles, you’ve got quite a large sample size to sift through. Many women find this daunting – as busy professionals, you don’t have time to sift through hundreds of profiles.
Narrow the pool down for yourself by figuring out what’s important to you.
Ask yourself some quality questions – What’s my person like? What are his values? How does he treat me? What are our conversations like? Be honest with yourself. Then use your answers to narrow the pool down for yourself.
When you don’t know what you want, you’re not going to find what you want, and he’s not going to know if he’s what you want. Figure out what you want.
Say you decide to keep your filter wide so as not to “miss” anyone. You end up with hundreds of profiles to sift through, get overwhelmed, and delete your account. Now you’re dating no one.
Keep it simple.
Decide the top 3 things that are most important to you, and use them to help you narrow the pool down to a reasonable size. If you’re still worried about missing out, you can add a caveat that you’re open to someone even better.
After all, you’re only looking for one.
Online dating has its challenges, but it’s all on how you look at it. Inside every challenge is a way for you to come out even more badass than before.
Let me help you transform your challenges into stepping stones to your life partner. Schedule a free consultation to make sure you’re the perfect fit for my 6-week program, Find Your Life Partner.