I freed myself this week; from my own limiting thoughts.
It’s been just under five months since I started this blog. That feels like such a long time ago because I’ve grown so much since then. It’s been such a fun and wild journey. I’m so proud of myself for starting it and sticking with it. I’ve had ups and downs for sure – days when I wanted to quit and days when I felt unstoppable. And it was all amazing.
But I realized something really important this week that I think I’ve known all along, it just took writing this post to really notice it.
I’ve been trying too hard.
I’ve been trying so hard to write the perfect posts for you – with just the right balance of science and spiritual and just the right number of words. I’ve stressed trying to market in just the right way – with all the right keywords and all the relevant colors and the cleverest message. I’ve obsessed over website visits and analytics – watching youtube videos and implementing three different ways to monitor traffic.
It was exhausting. So this morning, I threw up my hands and I let go of all of the pressure. All the pressure to be anything other than exactly who I am right now.
I’m not a professional blogger. I have no marketing skills. I have no prior experience with building websites. I didn’t know what SEO stood for until five months ago.
This is where I am. And it’s absolutely perfect.
I will give you the very best posts that I can give you – as me. I will market exactly the way I want to – with the ideas that I have. I will be cognizant of traffic but I won’t let it define my value. I have value because I have a passion and I want to share it with you. And that is enough.
This ties in so beautifully with this week’s topic, because it was in writing this post and implementing everything I’m talking about here that I was able to bring these thoughts to light and make different choices. Which is exactly what I’m talking about here.
Your Consciousness is Your Power
I’ve been somewhat aware of my thoughts for a few years now, but I never really knew what to do about them. I knew they were creative so they stressed me the hell out when I couldn’t change them.
That all changed recently – say, oh, in the last five months. When I said, enough! Time to get a handle on you brain! I started actively managing my mind. I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shoutout to Brooke Castillo’s Self Coaching Scholars, which has helped immensely in this journey. We found each other when I made the decision to take back my life.
In my recent hustle to clean up my thoughts, I’ve noticed a few usual suspects that set off a mini alarm in my head – “Look at me! Look at me! There might be something good here!” The triggers themselves aren’t bad in any way. They’re actually helpful indicators that point me to thoughts and beliefs that I might want to take a closer look at – to see if there’s any cleanup to be had there.
Unlike before, I no longer immediately run from thoughts and feelings that feel bad – I actually look at them! I now use my awareness to shed light on thoughts and beliefs that are no longer serving me so I can clean them up.
I want to share my top six trigger phrases with you, along with what I’ve found to be the hidden meaning behind each. Then we’ll talk about how to use them to actually do something for us – something that aligns our thoughts and beliefs with what we want.
Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor – it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.
Peter Walsh
My main message for each of these is take life for what it is then make conscious choices.
That’s your power!
1. “Should” and “Shouldn’t”
I put this as my number one because I use them so often that many times I don’t even realize it. These words are such a part of my everyday vocabulary, yet, do I really know what I’m saying when I use them?
What are you really saying when you say, “I should” or “I shouldn’t” do something?
“Should” and “shouldn’t” imply that there’s some standard for being or doing, and that falling short of that standard is bad.
These thoughts can stir up a lot of emotions. Some feelings that key me in to a “should” or “shouldn’t” thought are guilt, anger, regret, and anxiety (and I’m sure you could come up with four more on the spot!).
Since starting my blog I’ve been telling myself, Each post should be around 1600 words. I got this standard from a post I read on google; and then I made it my gospel. When I go over or under 1600 words (let’s be honest, it’s almost always over), I stress out and make it mean a whole lot of useless things. Like I’ve missed the mark and now no one will find or want to read my posts. Total nonsense. And definitely not helpful.
Or how about a societal standard, those are always fun. I should go to college. Maybe you don’t want to go to college. Maybe your passion is to enter a trade but society’s expectations suggest that successful people go to college. Here the standard is “successful people go to college”. Your thought, “I don’t want to go to college” is falling short of this standard and you’ve made that mean something bad — that you won’t be successful.
Let me just throw something out there… Says who??
Who gets to define the standards of your life? A search engine? Your parents? Your teachers? Your culture? Your government? What makes their standards, their beliefs, their expectations, the right ones?
A helpful question to ask might be, Who am I letting define the standards of my life? Make that person you! Not the shackled victim you, the real you. The you that shines through all of the nonsense; feel for your passion, then define your standards from there.
Use “should” and “shouldn’t” as triggers that key you into standards that you’ve adopted from other people, but that might not be right for you.
Give yourself permission to redefine those standards.
2. “Supposed to”
This one’s similar to the first.
“Supposed to” implies that there’s an expectation to be met.
One big one for me is, “I’m supposed to know this.” I’m a knowledge junkie and I tend to expect myself to know everything (to an exhausting, unreasonable level). When I don’t, I beat myself up. Especially with this blog – it’s my passion, I’m supposed to be the expert… right?
I sometimes find it helpful (and fun) to find a really silly or extreme example that highlights how ridiculous my thoughts are. I play devil’s advocate with myself trying to debunk my own theories. Babies offer good fodder for this exercise.
Are babies dumb because they don’t know anything about their passion yet? Well, no, because babies haven’t lived long enough to learn about their passion. Who or what, then, defines the “right” amount of time to have lived before you’re “supposed to” be an expert in what you’re passionate about? Who sets that expectation? At this point I’d be like, huh, I guess no one. Debunked!
Some key feelings that come from my “supposed to” thoughts are inadequacy, disappointment, and frustration.
A helpful question to ask might be, Whose expectations aren’t being met? Mine? Where did they come from? Are they serving me?
Many times, we set expectations with the very best intentions, but it does no good to beat ourselves up for not meeting them. Like I decided this week, let’s give ourselves a break. Let’s be kind to ourselves. Then reassess and move on.
Use “supposed to” thoughts to gain insight into expectations you’re holding yourself to, but might not want to be.
Become aware of those expectations, then decide whether they are serving you. If they’re not, free yourself of them!
3. “Have to”
“Have to” implies that you have no choice.
Without realizing it, using this phrase removes responsibility (our ability to respond) and puts it somewhere else. It can be very disempowering when used this way. Excuses can be phrased with, “I can’t, I have to…” as an easy out.
Feelings I’ve found that accompany my “have to” thoughts are helpless and bound.
For example, a thought my brain loves to jump to on a Sunday night is, “I have to go to work tomorrow.”
Well… I don’t technically have to go to work tomorrow. No one is making me go. If I don’t go, yes there are consequences, but it’s still my choice. I choose to go to work tomorrow. I choose to exchange my time, energy, and expertise for money. Feel how much difference that slight nuance makes?
Use “have to” thoughts to show you where you haven’t made peace with some of your choices.
Then own your choices. You technically don’t have to do anything. You’re not a victim of being alive. You’re just alive. Live your truth out loud. If you don’t want to do something, don’t. Express yourself truthfully – with love and kindness.
Make peace with your choices, or choose differently. You’re a powerful creator. It’s always up to you!
4. “Meant to”
“Meant to” implies that there’s some higher power at work that wants things to be a certain way.
I believe in a higher power – God, the Universe, Source, Consciousness, Energy – call it what you will. But I also believe that that higher power is pure love. And love doesn’t have opinions.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Corinthians
So who’s the higher power deciding what’s “meant to” happen? That would be… you!
A few feelings that accompany my negative “meant to” thoughts are powerless, lack of control, and uncreative.
Here are a few things I’ve learned from spiritual teachers along my journey.
You are perfect and whole just as you are. The Universe works with you and for you, just as you are. Abraham Hicks taught me that Source is always guiding us along our path of least resistance based on what we’ve got going on. It doesn’t judge or wish our belief systems were different; it just guides us to the light, always, unconditionally.
This is one of my favorite teachings. It’s like we each have a light beacon, guiding us around the hot tangled mess of our thoughts and beliefs to help us find our desires. Source meets us where we are. You are “meant to” be exactly where you are right now. Nowhere else.
Use “meant to” thoughts as indications of where you might feel you’re falling short of your purpose.
Take at look at these thoughts, then decide if you want to realign them.
5. “If… Then…”
The nerd in me gets excited about this one. Computer languages like Matlab use “if – then” statements in their algorithms, or programming files. These statements are literally part of the programming language of computers.
So when you find yourself saying, “If this, then this”, guess what you’re doing? You’re writing your own program! You’re programming your own brain. You’re defining your beliefs.
“If… then…” statements define your belief systems and what you’re making things mean.
Remember, beliefs are just thoughts that feel true. It may feel like you’re stating facts because they feel true, but they’re not facts. They’re just thoughts.
This week I realized I’ve been thinking the thought, “If no one is on my website reading my blog, then my blog is no good.” Which is nonsense of course, but it felt so real to me. Because of what I was making it mean. If no one is on my website, it literally just means no one is on my website. Nothing more. I made it mean all the other stuff.
Here’s a good one. What if you have evidence to support your “if… then…” statement (this one trips me up a lot)? Of course you do! You have evidence because it’s part of your brain’s programming. Your brain is programmed to find evidence for what it believes. So of course you have evidence to support your belief systems. That’s how it works!
This is what makes beliefs so fascinating… and so tricky. They’re self-reinforcing.
Use “if… then…” statements show you what you’re making things mean.
When you get the chance to observe yourself using one, take a look at what you’re making the “if” mean by examining the “then”. Is it a helpful belief? Do you want to keep it?
Then make a choice! To continue thinking it, or to write a new “then”. Just like a computer program.
6. “Sorry”
This one is super loaded and somewhat controversial… full steam ahead!
“I’m sorry” can mean so many different things – it can transmit insecurity or it can express empathy.
I strongly recommend paying attention to the feeling associated with your sorry. This will clue you in to how you’re using it and what energy you’re putting out.
A helpful question to ask yourself might be, How does my sorry feel?
Do you feel regret, guilt, or shame? Maybe you’re apologizing because you made a mistake. Some accompanying thoughts might be, “I messed up”, “I’m no good”, “I’m a terrible person”. These are the type of sorry thoughts to watch out for — the ones that don’t feel good. These sorries transmit insecurity.
On the flip side, does your sorry carry compassion or empathy? Maybe it’s in the context of losing a loved one. “I’m sorry for your loss” can be comforting to someone who has lost a loved one. These sorries express empathy.
Use “sorry” thoughts to sharpen your intentions.
Make sorry about them, not you. Use sorry to transmit comfort, not to broadcast your insecurities.
That’s my list!
I hope you found these helpful! I certainly did this week.
I want to offer a sincere thank you for allowing me to share some of my deepest insights with you.
I’d love to hear what you think! Are there any thoughts you use for insight into your mind? Share a comment or hit me up!