As a type 8 “aggressive” personality in the enneagram who, in my former life, mastered the art and science of the “make it happen” philosophy, I find myself typing these first few words with slight trepidation and a bit of nostalgia. In the same way a recovered addict reminisces but never actually wishes for the old high, I think a small part of me misses the way I used to manhandle life…
But that was before. I’m recovered now.
The truth of it is, “making it happen” actually requires tons of energy and effort and isn’t really all that fun. Whereas “allowing it to happen” is easy and effortless… and fun. Plus it gets you what you actually want… not what you think you want.
As a member of western society in the 21st century, you’ve probably already come up with 5 reasons to fight for your “make it happen” lifestyle. Which is totally understandable. I didn’t let go that easily either.
Before we jump into the two philosophies, let’s set the stage with some basic concepts.
Law of Attraction
I like to think of things in the simplest way possible. For me, law of attraction takes the form of Newton’s Third Law of motion:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Issac Newton
Albert Einstein demonstrated through his famous equation that energy and mass are interchangeable; they’re different forms of the same thing. Thus, these laws apply to both mass and energy. Thoughts produce emotions, which are energy – energy in motion.
When you put a thought out into the world, it contains an energy signature. You can get a sense for the energy signature by how you feel when you think it. That energy goes out into the world and comes back as an equal and opposite reaction. Thoughts are more complex than the traditional “box that’s pushed up a hill” examples from physics class, but it works all the same.
Quantum Possibilities
The wacky world of quantum physics has demonstrated that the material world exists in possibilities. It has also demonstrated that the subject and observer in any experiment are inextricably linked. For example, if I’m conducting an experiment using electrons, the fact that I observe the electron automatically changes its behavior (why do we care? Well… you’re made of electrons).
If you’d like a more thorough explanation of quantum behavior, check out one of these articles – My Quantum Mechanics “So What” or Five Flaws of Classical Physics. Then come on back!
The main takeaway here is that you are not a self-contained, isolated think tank. Your thoughts don’t stay inside your head. They produce emotions, which flow throughout your whole body. These emotions contribute to your body’s energy field. This energy field extends out into the big wide world and (gasp!) interacts with it.
This is great news. More on that later.
Philosophy #1: “Make It Happen”
The “make it happen” philosophy can be likened to changing the world from the outside in. The premise is that in order to get what we want, we must get out there and change the world itself. The mindset that accompanies this philosophy is aggression: live and let live my way.
I mentioned that I used to be very good at this.
The example that I’d like to carry though this article is finding a partner. I have a lot of personal experience with this particular topic, and about 10 years of supporting “data.”
Catching The Fish
Let’s say you’re single and you want to find a great partner. You have a list. A list of all the key attributes this partner must have – the basics, the nice-to-haves, the deal-breakers. The more you live, the larger your list.
We set out to find a mate. How do we do it? We effort. We take action to maximize the probability of finding a mate. We go out to the bars every weekend. We sign up for online dating. We sign up for social groups. We join a kickball team (yes, I did this). We meet as many people as possible, hoping that one of them will be “the one.”
Then… we snag one! The line starts to jerk… ladies and gentlemen, we have a fish! What kind of fish is it? We don’t know! We’re too excited to care… didn’t you hear, we have a fish!
Remember the law of attraction? We caught a fish (of course the fish here is a potential human partner) because of the energy we were putting out. How this energy felt will give us insight into what kind of fish we caught – a nice fish, a selfish fish, a needy fish. But because we threw all our best tricks at the universe, it’s hard to tell… all we really know is that something worked and now we have a fish.
Lots of energy. Lots of effort. One fish. Do we like this fish? Let’s find out.
Getting to Know The Fish
Now that we have our potential partner, the person of the “make it happen” philosophy must now mold this person into the partner they want. At this point, we start the impossible task of making our partner meet every item on our list.
Don’t like to cook? That’s okay, we can take cooking lessons together.
Don’t like kids? That’s okay, you’ll learn to want them.
Not a great conversationalist? That’s okay, I’ll break through your shell.
We continue to “effort” to make this potential partner fit each item on our list. If you’ve ever tried to do this (guilty!), you will likely agree that it’s no fun. Funny, people don’t really like when other people try to change them, after all…
Letting The Fish Go
At some point – after weeks, months, or maybe years – we figure out (or admit to ourselves) what type of fish we’ve caught. If you’re salmon fishing and you catch a trout, no amount of effort will make that trout into a salmon.
We’ve spent countless hours, an abundance of energy, and tons of effort trying to make it happen. And it didn’t work. We accept that the relationship has run its course.
One thing I’ve actually always been good at in relationships is recognizing when it’s over, accepting it, and moving on. However, I can certainly appreciate how this can be a very difficult thing to do. Until my sister married my amazing brother-in-law, my parents and I would watch her drag dead relationships around with her, months and years past their useful life. Anyone can be guilty of this, but I’ve noticed it more often in the people pleasers.
But there comes a time when we’ve juiced the orange one too many times – instead of producing the lemon juice we were hoping for, all we’ve done is squeezed the poor orange dry. Accept that it was an orange and start looking for your juice in a lemon tree.
Philosophy #2: “Allow It to Happen”
The “allow it to happen” philosophy can be likened to changing the world from the inside out. The premise is that in order to truly get what we want, we must change ourselves. In other words, if we’re not getting what we want, we need to change what we’re doing on the inside, not the outside. The mindset that accompanies this philosophy is allowance: live and let live.
One of my favorite things about this philosophy is that its foundation is one of abundance.
Many people who fall into the “make it happen” philosophy with regards to relationships do so because they have a scarcity mindset. If they haven’t found someone, they’re afraid all the “good ones” are getting taken so there’s an urgency to find someone. If they have, they’re afraid to lose them for fear they won’t find someone else. This can take the form of “settling” for the person that you’re with for fear that there’s no one else left and you’ve missed out.
This is not how energy works. Quantum physics teaches us that each moment is new and creative. Each moment offers possibility, defined by your thoughts and beliefs. Abundance exists in every moment. You have not missed out. You cannot miss out.
Attracting Your Prince
In the wise words of my father:
You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your frog.
My Father (to whom photo credit also goes)
Though the genius of this statement was the product of his subconscious brain’s ability to combinine idioms into hilarious hybrid offspring, I think he was onto something. I mean, if you’re off kissing toads, the best you could possibly hope for is to come across a frog.
We are in the market for a prince! Let’s get out of the pond and into the castle.
This may sound crazy, but based on the law of attraction and the findings of quantum mechanics (which, by the way, have been taught by the ancient wisdom traditions for millenia), all you have to do is put out a subtle intention and the world will respond. (If you want more, Abraham Hicks does a great job at explaining the law of attraction.)
After a decade of hanging out in the pond, I decided to give this philosophy a try.
I subtly decided that I was ready to find “the one,” sacrificing not a single thing from my list. My man was going to be absolutely perfect for me. No settling here! I lined up with the emotion of that thought, and I let it go. I kid you not, that moment my now-husband reached out to me.
According to my previous “make it happen” philosophy, this could never have happened. It defied logic and probability based upon my life situation at the time.
Now I’m not saying it will always happen this quickly (I had a lot of built-up energy behind this one), but I am saying that it can.
All It Takes Is One
This works for anything, but we’ll carry the finding a partner analogy all the way through.
Of all the people in the world, one is for you. Just one.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to bypass all the random probabilities and put subtle effort towards just this one? The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is yes! You can. This is actually how life works. But it’s your choice.
You can choose to effort and exert energy and suffer through multiple relationships (so many toads and frogs), as with the “make it happen” philosophy. (Which, by the way, is not a bad thing…)
Or you can choose to attract just the one. Just the prince. How do we do it? By paying close attention to our feelings and our intentions.
Finding my husband was the easiest, most effortless, and most fun I’ve ever had in a relationship. It’s not because I’d tried a hundred times and finally stumbled across “the one.” It’s because I figured out how life works. And I applied it.
As a bonus (the universe really does have a sense of humor), he ticked every single box on my list and more. (Yes, I had an actual list, and yes I went through it… despite instantly knowing he was it. It was more for the fun of it.)
One More Thing Before You Go…
Allowing it to happen does not equate to passivity. Allowing life to happen is an incredibly ACTIVE state of mind. It requires a fully present, conscious mind.
What “Allowing” DOESN’T mean:
- Sitting around waiting for life to happen
- Being lazy (unless you actively choose to be!)
- Giving up
- Making excuses
- Forcing people and circumstances to change from the outside in
What “Allowing” DOES mean:
- Taking an active role in your life (of your thoughts, feelings, and choices)
- Owning the circumstances of your life – you are not a victim, you are the product of your choices
- Acting on the energy that lines up with what you want
- Accepting life as it is
- Knowing that it’s in your power to create change from the inside out
Now Go Allow It!
Life is about probability and possibility.
Ready for that great news I promised earlier?
You are a conscious being. Whereas the rest of matter is defined by random probabilities, you are defined by your choices. Life is not random for you. You decide which parts of the randomness you want. With your thoughts and your actions.
It doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. Life can be easy and effortless and fun. Let the universe show you.