It’s dawn. Your body begins to wake up naturally, with the sun. It doesn’t matter that it’s early; you’re rested because you gave your body enough sleep. You slowly open your eyes and orient to a new day.
You head to the bathroom, turn on the light, and look in the mirror. A quick sweep of your fingers through your hair is all that the privacy of your home should require to be presentable, for now.
That’s when you see it. Your first gray hair.
You take a closer look. Yep, there it is.
Warmth spreads through your body. You smile at yourself in the mirror. What a big moment. You pause and take a minute to reflect on the wealth of years you have had on this planet. The highs and lows; the firsts and lasts.
Maybe you’ve been blessed with the birth of your first child, or overcome the grief of losing a loved one. You feel appreciation for everything you have in life. You feel gratitude for everything you have accomplished, for everything you have lived through to be standing exactly where you are today. You exhale peace and give thanks.
This single gray hair marks a moment of celebration. The welcome beginning of the transition from youth to maturity, from innocence to wisdom. The day people will start looking to you with greater respect.
That is not how I experienced my first gray hair.
Mine went something like this.
I was 29. It was about 3 weeks before my 30th birthday. In the months leading up to my 30th, I could feel a slow-growing panic. I was intent on aging gracefully, but 30 — 30 was a big one. I was to officially be “old,” at least according to my definition at the time.
Every morning since about the age of 28, I would check my head for gray hairs. None today, whew! We live in youth another day…
Until that day.
I woke up like any other day and stumbled into the bathroom, comfortable and safe with my gray-free head, when the mirror stared me down with my new reality. I saw it, in all its gray glory. I immediately went into denial. No, that’s not my hair. That’s my cat’s hair that just happened to lodge itself into my head. I mean, that can’t be my hair… Other people age, I don’t age.
With a closer look and some serious real talk with myself, I finally admitted it — “I got my first gray.” Thanks, hair follicles, for that wonderful early 30th birthday present.
I’ve accumulated grays at about the rate of 1-2 per year and have spent the past 3 years only styling my hair in ways that would hide my new friends. Early on I debated pulling them out, but that never felt right. I don’t want to live in denial. I considered dying them, but that felt fake. So I carried on with my temporary solution, hiding them.
I was left with an internal struggle… and shame.
Why the Shame?
It’s easy to blame society for all our problems. I’m not here to do that. What I am here to do is empower you to really see the culture we live in so that you can make the right choice for you — one that isn’t based on shame or obligation.
Let’s dig into our culture.
In The Blind Spot, authors Mahzarin Banaji and Anthony Greenwald, psychologists at Harvard University and the University of Washington, respectively, reveal some eye-opening biases in our culture regarding the elderly.
Through Harvard’s online Implicit Association Tests (IAT), Banaji and Greenwald show that 80% of Americans have a stronger young = good than old = good association with only 6% showing the reverse bias. The IAT test is designed to reveal subconscious, automatic preferences (the kind we tend to adopt from our culture). Essentially, Harvard’s IAT results provide conclusive evidence that most Americans have a strong automatic preference for young people.
I’m guessing that’s not surprising to you.
In Jared Diamond’s book, The World Until Yesterday, he suggests that a society’s attitude towards aging and its elders can be attributed to its values.
American values emphasize the individual and individual privacy. When people reach a certain age and are no longer able to care for themselves, they are often seen as a burden and our society loses respect for them due to their inability to maintain their independence.
Diamond also suggests that our American prejudice against the aged is due to our “cult of youth.” In the current world of rapid technological growth, young people are best adapted to the latest changes. I see this in my own life; I find myself overwhelmed by many of the social networking platforms that today’s teens can navigate without even thinking.
Our competitive society gives young people – who are faster with better endurance and quicker reflexes – an edge over their aging counterparts. This may seem trivial, but it can lead to more serious effects such as age bias in the hiring process.
Then of course there are our movies, tv shows, and advertisements, which are reflections of a society. American media tends to glorify the young and either ignore or belittle the aging by showcasing them/us – because let’s get real, it happens to everyone – in ads for senior homes, life insurance, or (heaven forbid!) a depressing drug commercial.
What’s crazy about these biases is that they’re held by the young and old alike. It’s ingrained in our culture and therefore our minds.
Let’s just think about that for a minute.
Through Harvard’s IAT experiments, Banaji and Greenwald were able to demonstrate that the human mind takes on the belief system of the surrounding culture — subconsciously — with the conscious brain often thinking and believing the complete opposite. What’s more, it’s these subconscious, automatic preferences that often drive our actions. Crazy, right!
Considering all of this happy news, it makes sense why that single gray hair sent a wave of fear and shame through me. I don’t want to be seen in this negative way!
Thankfully there are alternative ways to live.
What Other Cultures Can Teach Us
Both modern-day and ancient cultures provide examples of ways to live where elders are respected, revered, and looked to for guidance and wisdom. In these cultures, aging isn’t seen as shameful, but a wonderful, welcome part of life.
Huff Post has a great article about 7 cultures that celebrate the aging process. These range from the more obvious Native American cultures, to Greece, Korea, India, and African American cultures. They offer fresh, yet ancient perspectives on the aging process.
Respect for elders in Korean culture has its roots in Confucianism. Filial piety is a key virtue that demands respect for one’s parents, elders, and ancestors. I particularly love that it’s customary in Korean culture to celebrate 60th and 70th birthdays with big celebrations, as a “passage into old age.”
According to the National Congress of American Indians, “In tribal communities, elders are considered the “wisdom-keepers” and are held in the highest regard.” For the millenia that preceded pens, paper, and computers, stories carried the wisdom and history of an entire people. Elders carry those stories.
It’s easy to think, well we have pens, paper, and computers now, we don’t need stories! But we have missed the point. A computer holds information. A human brain holds knowledge. Artificial Intelligence makes connections. The human brain has an awareness of those connections.
There is no replacement for human wisdom and intuition. A computer cannot teach it. It must be lived and felt.
Love Your Head. Love Your Reasons.
There are as many ways to live in this world as there are humans, not to mention the rest of the planet’s inhabitants.
It comes down to you, your thoughts, and what you choose to do with them. Just let them be your own. You don’t have to adopt your culture’s values because you grew up in that culture. There are other ways to live. Get out there and try on some other ideas. Even better, come up with your own!
I’m a big proponent of living an authentic, natural, sustainable life. To me, that means making choices that are in line with that whenever I can.
For example, I use organic plant-based face products (by Laurel). I wear light organic, plant-based makeup (by W3ll People). For the health and environmental benefits, of course, but more deeply for the intent behind them. I want to show my face to the world, not one that’s been painted to the standards of society and is barely recognizable once the colors have washed away.
My hair is no exception.
It took me some time (until this past Friday to be exact) to realize that I want to live my life openly and out loud. I don’t have to hide behind makeup or hair dye to have value in this world. In fact, I can choose to believe that I have more value in this world now that I do have gray hairs!
I’ll pause here to say that I’m not advocating for not dying your hair. I’m advocating for loving your reasons – for dying your hair or not.
The wonderful world we live in today offers an abundance of perspectives and options. It is always our choice.
Today, I choose to wear my hair in any style I feel like, grays on display or not! I choose this because it honors my life.
My shame had been associated with my automatic preferences, adopted from a culture that places value on youth. I shone a light on my shame and I made another choice. There is nothing inherently shameful or unattractive about aging and going gray. It’s a natural, normal part of life.
We’re a long way off from the day every woman can wake up and feel amazing about her first gray hair. But the path to that day starts right now. With each choice we make.
I choose to embrace my grays and age with grace.
This choice sits right with my soul.